All my friends keep asking me, “Arthur, why do you say you’ll never eat another chicken sandwich from Subway?”

I frequent all the cheap sandwich shops near my downtown corporate office. Yesterday I wanted an empanada and beans & rice from Julia’s, but they weren’t selling beans that day. So, since lunch was a bust from the start, I decided to cut my losses and go for a cheap $5 footlong sandwich from Subway.

I now question whether this is ever a good choice.

Normally, I’d get a Veggie Max, but I’d eaten one too recently, so that was out. Almost everything on the $5 menu contains the chain’s signature slimy deli meat, which hurts my stomach. Last week I gambled on the new Chicken Pizziola, which made my intestines feel very strange indeed. I figured the Oven Roasted Chicken Breast sandwich would be a safe choice.

My friends, here is the answer to your question: I will never eat this sandwich again because the chicken is so bland it lets me taste all the other ingredients. After lots of Subway sandwiches, a man realizes that something about the flavor of Subway’s bread, vegetables, and condiments just isn’t right. I could not even finish the chicken sandwich. I threw it away.

This episode reminded me of a piece of original wisdom from a famous writer named Dave Jamieson, who once said, “Subway sandwiches always seem as if they’ve been thrown from a moving vehicle, or as if somebody sat on them.”

Never again.