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HO HO WHO: “The Little Drummer Boy,” in its purest iteration, is a song about a young man who, at the urging of the Magi, offers his dope beats to the baby Jesus. Replace the Magi with Usher and the baby Jesus with the Internet and you have a pretty accurate representation of why culture wars are fought.
POOR-ASS BOY HONORING JESUS: The Busta Rhymes verse nestled in the center of the track is actually kind of fierce. In a stunning bit of meta-narrative, the entire verse is about Bieber sending him a Twitter message about collaborating on a Christmas song, delivered all ratatat-like. Also, Rhymes bellowing “BIEBER, WHAT UP” would make a swell notification noise for when someone you hate text messages you.
RICH-ASS BOY HONORING USHER: Bieber’s nasal delivery of the non-rap verses is unremarkable at best, and he makes that last “pum” in “pa-rump-pa-pum-pum” about seventeen syllables long on several occasions. He also raps about, among other things, God, basketball, and Michael Jackson. (The original Holy Trinity?) The last verse tacks on a message of charitable giving, but by then you’ll feel that actually listening to the song in its entirety should be tax-deductible. Remember how in The Princess Bride, Wesley builds up an immunity to iocane powder? If you have tweens in your life this Christmas, you may as well listen to this song over and over again until it doesn’t make you feel like a Grinch with Tourette Syndrome.
CHEER FACTOR: 1/10. Laugh at the Busta Rhymes verse, then never listen to this song again. Unless you have to write about it for the Internet.