Iām your average straight 42-year-old white guy. Married for a little less than a year (second marriage for both). We have an active sex life and are both GGG. My wife wants to be forcibly fuckedāheld down and raped. Normally Iād be all over this because I do love me some rough sex. My issue: She told me she was traumatically raped by a man she was dating prior to me. All I know is that it involved a hotel room and him not stopping when she said āno.ā So for now, I play along, but I know Iām not taking things as far as sheād like. Iām over here wondering if her previous trauma was a result of her encouraging forceful sex and regretting it later, and I worry the same thing could happen to me. Or is she trying to relive the experience? Should I fear her motivation and the potential consequences? Am I overthinking things? āTremulous Husband Is Needing Knowledge
When it comes to rough sexāparticularly when it involves role-playing forced-sex scenariosāoverthinking is preferable to underthinking. But before we think through your specific issues, THINK, a few points of clarification.
A woman whoās into rough sex, even forced-sex/rape-role-play scenarios, can still have been raped by a partnerāand a rape can occur during what was supposed to be a consensual forced-sex/rape-role-play scene. If your wife withdrew her consent and her former partner continued, it was rape.
Also, THINK, lots of women fantasize about ārape,ā which Iām putting in quotes here because these fantasies typically involve a woman being ātakenā by someone sheās attracted to, and lots and lots and lots of women are victims of rape. Obviously thereās going to be overlap between these two groups. Your wifeās forced-sex fantasies could have nothing to do with her rapeāit could be a coincidenceāor your wife may be one of those people (not all of them women) who have eroticized a past sexual trauma (not always rape), and playing with a partner she trusts provides her with feelings of control and catharsis, empowerment and pleasure.
But what about you, THINK?
You worry āthe same thing could happen to me.ā By that you donāt mean, āI could be raped!ā You mean, āI could be falsely accused of rape.ā Thatās a pretty big and disrespectful leap. What youāre saying is, āI think my wife is lying when she says this other man raped herāand I donāt want her to do the same to me.ā Iām not sure what to do with that. I mean, I donāt think your wife is lying, THINK, and I donāt know or love your wife. You presumably know and love your wife, and yet youāre worried she may be setting you up for a false rape accusation. Thatās some dark shitāthatās some Gone Girl shit, thatās the plot of some horrible Kathleen Turner/Michael Douglas shit movie from the 1980s.
If youāre really concerned about protecting your own butt, THINK, then have a nice long conversation with your wife about her fantasies over e-mail. Iāve given that advice to people negotiating edgy and/or forced-sex scenes with strangers or near-strangers. It feels odd to give that advice to someone negotiating a fantasy role-play scenario with his spouse. But here we are.
Donāt tell your wife you wanna chat over e-mail because youāre worried about needing an alibi. I would suggest that you believe your wife, first off, and that you have this conversation over e-mailātwo anonymous accounts created just for this purposeābecause it will allow you both to be more thoughtful and less inhibited (sometimes these things are hard to discuss face to face). Tell her you donāt want to accidentally traumatize or trigger her, first and foremost, but you also donāt want to wind up traumatizing yourself. You would feel like a monster if you hurt her while attempting to fulfill her fantasies.
Finally, THINK, this isnāt something your wife will wanna do just once. So take baby steps: Increase the intensity gradually, from scene to scene, check in afterward, Google āsexual aftercareā and read the piece on Curve that pops up (itās a lesbian website, but the lessons/advice/insight are generally applicable), and keep having long conversationsāvia e-mail or face to faceāabout whatās working for her and what isnāt.
Good luck. āDan Savage
I had given up on relationships after a failed marriage and another partner trying to kill me (no joke). Then, after five years single, abstinent, and lonely, I met a man who frustrated me, turned me on, and was understanding about my trust issues. Iām excited about a future with himāexcept for two things. First, he says he loves me but heās not sure yet if he wants to spend the rest of his life with meāheās not sure if Iām āThe One.ā He also has needs Iām not able to fulfill. It may not seem like a big deal to most people, but swallowing is out for me, as I was orally raped when I was a teenager. Iāve worked my way up to enjoying giving head, but come in my mouth makes me cry. And I canāt give head after anal. He says these are the things that make him come the hardest. Iāve asked him if my inability to provide these things are a ādeal breakerā for him and he says no, but when we get into bed, he talks about me doing them the entire time weāre having sex. Iāve asked him to stop, and he says he will, but it doesnāt stop. He will also have sex only in the positions he likes, and if I ask for something different, heāll just stop having sex with me, leaving me frustrated. If letting him go so he can find the right person to fulfill his needs makes him happier, then I feel itās the right thing to do, as much as it would hurt. āFailing At Intimacy/Love
You need to let this guy go for your own happiness and sanity.
I know you were alone for a long timeāalone and lonelyāand you know who else knows that? Your shitty boyfriend, FAIL, and heās leveraging your desire to be with someone against your right to sexual autonomy and your need for emotional safety. You have an absolute right to set your own limits, to rules things in and out, and to slap ānot open for discussionā labels on some things. Ruling two things outāswallowing and ATMāparticularly for the reasons you cite, is perfectly reasonable. If he canāt accept that, if heās going to hammer away at those two things endlessly, that should be a ādeal breakerā for you.
You see his inability to determine if youāre āthe oneā as a separate issue, FAIL, but itās of a piece. Heās refusing to make you the oneāāthe oneā is an act of will, not an act of Godāin hopes that you will submit to his sexual demands. I have a hunch that swallowing and ATM arenāt really the things that make him come the hardest. If it was anal and cunnilingus you couldnāt do, FAIL, then those would be his favorite things. Because the issue here isnāt whether heās āsureā youāre the one or the sex acts that make him come the hardest. This is about him controlling and degrading you.
DTMFA. āDan
Please ignore KISSES and write as much as you want! I read your column because I like what you write! āDan Should Go On At Length
Iāve obviously reverted to form already, DSGOAL, but thanks for your support! āDan