Credit: Julia Terbrock

HO HO WHO: This woman needs no introduction. It’s her America and we’re just living in it, but that’s not to say she isn’t a giver—she even helped fund Moderna’s COVID-19 vaccine. And to cure us all of the holiday blues, she released her first Christmas album in 30 years last month, titled A Holly Dolly Christmas. (You just know she’s been keeping that in her back pocket all these years.) Everybody, give it up for Dolly Parton

SHE LOVES TO TALK: Dolly loves the straight talk. She opens “All I Want For Christmas Is You” with an exchange with Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon, because why not! She also ends the song by calling him “sexy boy,” because who doesn’t think that when thinking about Jimmy and his giggle. Dolly exudes confidence while Jimmy compliments excessively. A classic.  

SOUNDS FAMILIAR: There are a number of covers of this 1994 classic, originally sung and written by Mariah Carey. You’ve got Michael Bublé, She & Him, and Glee, to name a few. But there is a banjo in Dolly’s, so her version is definitely the best cover.  

CHEER FACTOR: 8/10. The original version by Miss Mariah is the only Christmas song deserving of a perfect 10, says this Scrooge (who only listens to holiday music when she’s enlisted to write a Sleigher). But it also feels sacrilegious to give Dolly Parton anything but a 10, so let’s say I docked two points because of Jimmy.