Every Tuesday and Thursday, we run down what’s going on in local Internet discussion groups.

columbia_heights Most. Depressing. Post. Ever. Abridged from C.J.’s original poem:

OPTIONS (For My Parents – Alice F. and Joseph L.)

…During the first realization that you were with Kid You should’ve done to me what with your first-born you did – Taken an Olympic-type dive off of the end of your bed, In an infallible attempt to crush my newly formed head.

If you were warned about drinking while carrying me You could’ve swung by a Liquor Store and set yourself free; Ingesting anything you desired that would totally serve To disconnect “me” from your every nerve.…

Rather than taking me through those eight years of hell You could’ve entered the tallest building, dropped me over the rail; You could’ve created a receptacle, and burned me as ash, Or simply wrapped and deposited me in your “Landlady’s” trash.

MPD-4D A crime report from Aug. 13 suggests more questionable parenting. The incident occurred on the 100 block of Longfellow Street NW; one can only hope the kid wasn’t strapped in at the time. “[The complainant] reports that she and [the suspect] were involved in a verbal arguement. [The suspect] then picked up an infant car seat and threw it at [the complainant] causing a small laceration above [the complainant’s] eye. [The suspect] then ran to her car and returned with a hatchet and swung it at [the complainant] several times but didn’t strike her. [The suspect] then chased [a different complainant] out of the house with the hatchet. [The suspect] was apprehended and placed under arrest.”

Artists-Models Tim needs volunteers this weekend to work on the set of “NUDIST CAMP ZOMBIE MASSACRE” in Stafford, Va. “Sunday is the big climax of the film where Beth, played by Zui finally meets and teams up with the alien Remco,” he writes, before posting a call for make-up artists, PAs, grips, and “Actors to play Nudists.” Oh yeah: “[I]f anyone has a whip please bring it for the Devo zombie.”