You may know her as a wide-eyed cube dweller helping would-be educators at the American Board of Certification of Teacher Excellence on 19th Street NW. But the rest of the world knows Abi Jones as the Queen of Lean Cuisine. Well, that’s true if the rest of the world has stumbled on the site she created and edits or has seen it mentioned in FoodCandy.com or the Food issue of Real Simple magazine. (Thanks, by the way, to the foodie heaving literature to the curb last Sunday…)

Fortunately, Abi hasn’t let the celebrity go to her head and can still be humbled by microwave pizza. Amy’s Organic sent her their Kitchen Veggie Combo Pizza and she awarded it her highest rating, praising its dearth of mushrooms, a vegetable with a texture she likens to eating dead humans:

Fortunately, this pizza isn’t anything like rotting human flesh. In fact, it was delicious. A five star pizza! These are superlatives that post-rigor mortis skin cannot claim. The vegetables on Amy’s Veggie Combo Pizza were diced, a painstaking process essential for things like Black Bean Confetti Salad and a necessary step if one does not enjoy mushroom corpse-tissue….It definitely had as much cheese as the cheese pizza, which is sort of disappointing if you figure that the only topping on a cheese pizza is cheese, so shouldn’t you get a lot of it?

Only five sodium-packed meals-in-a-box have received the dreaded Zero Stars from Abi and her raters: Lean Cuisine Shrimp and Angel Hair Pasta, Kraft South Beach Chicken Monterey Wrap, Trader Joe’s Lentil Rice Biryani, Gardenburger Margherita Pizza Style Veggie Wrap, and Healthy Choice Creamy Dill Salmon.

You’ve been warned. What else would you add to the frozen hit/shit list?

More from WCP