I never warmed to the D.C. statehood argument. Voting rights, yes, absolutely, right now. But the idea of our tiny District as a state seems unwieldy. Admittedly, the main reason I’m against it is that adding another state will totally mess up the flag. Fifty-one is an odd odd number, and I can’t envision any elegant way to cram one more five-pointer onto the field of blue. As it stands, America has the most kick-ass flag on Earth. (Nice try, Latvia!) We certainly don’t want to end up like this.

But here’s a solution—-why not just get rid of another state? Like Florida. I spent the weekend in that benighted region, and now understand completely why most episodes of Cops are filmed there. The long, flat streets are bordered day and night with shirtless, aimless-looking men, usually carrying a bottle, invariably sporting some variation of a mullet. It’s also no coincidence that News of the Weird‘s Chuck Shepherd calls Florida home—it pays to be close to your sources.

Not only is the geography stultifyingly dull, but this photo…

George W. Bush’s irresponsible deficit by selling Florida to the highest bidder. I’m willing to bet that Disney will want to finally own the whole shebang.

So, D.C. gets Florida’s vote and its star. Done deal.

Now, when we get around to annexing Canada, I’ll have a few words to say about South Carolina.

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