A note to the animal or elderly person who decided to hide in my alley and die:

Please finish decomposing and biodegrade already! You smell like death, and maybe a little like ketchup. You have become the talk of the block and I’d rather not talk to my neighbors (especially the really, really friendly ones who were so excited to see that I, a white girl, had moved in across the street.)

You have also elicited a big zero in response from the city’s Department of the Environment. Barring decomposition, could you please just show yourself so I can pay someone to dispose of you? We have looked everywhere and you are very well hidden.