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Sliding bare-assed down a palmetto. Getting onstage with Akon. Pouring buttermilk on Richard Marx‘s hair, then burying my face in it.

Oh, hi! I didn’t hear you come in. I was just thinking of things I’d rather do than listen to a German avant-garde orchestra perform Lou Reed‘s Metal Machine Music. But I guess there are at least 12 people who feel differently: the 11 members of Zeitkratzer, whose saxophonist Ulrich Kreiger has transcribed Reed’s 1975 career-suicide bid, and Reed, who plays some guitar on the resulting recording.

I didn’t get to Reed’s part, because I could handle only three minutes of hearing an avant-garde orchestra re-create the original’s dope-fueled layers of guitar feedback (which sounds like this, if you’re curious: VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV). I’ve spent much more time enjoying the text that accompanies this document.

From the press release:

Says Lou Reed, “Let me give you a little background. Metal Machine Music was made 32 years ago. It was taken off the market three weeks after it was released. Still, time goes by and people get more used to what you call loops and electronics and noise and feedback.”

From what Reed calls the “linear notes”:

[Engineer Bob Ludwig] and I were proud of [Metal Machine Music] then and we are proud of it now. I only wish you could hear the version that was mixed in Quad.

Truly we are poorer as a culture since that document has disappeared. Perhaps a group that comprises a trumpet player who looks like the dude from the Scorpions will rectify that, as well.