Standing in the kitchen of her Petworth apartment early Sunday morning, Ally Kearney saw a shadow pass through the doorway of her bedroom. It was about 2:30 a.m., and she had just come home with her boyfriend, Alex Pareene, better known as the blogger Wonkette. Kearney told Pareene she thought someone was inside, and he yelled out at the intruder. Instead of booking with his loot, a young man in a white hoodie walked into view carrying Kearney’s purse. He announced he had a gun and instructed the couple to get on the floor.
They obeyed, although the gun was obviously a finger stuffed in a hoodie pocket, Kearney says. She asked the man to leave behind the camera in her purse.
Obligingly, the burglar plopped down on the floor and began fishing out the purse’s priciest contents: the expensive camera, an iPod. Despite respecting Kearney’s request, he tried to stay tough, making threats along the lines of “‘Stay on the floor, or I’ll pop your girlfriend,’” Kearney recalls. After a few moments, the man handed over the purse and said he’d just take cash. He scored about $50 from Kearney and another $30 from Pareene’s wallet.
The man pocketed his loot with his gun/finger, then made use of the same appendage to squeeze Kearney’s rear before returning to the trigger position. He also demanded Kearney’s ID, promising to track her down if she called the police. She relinquished an old license from New York State and called out “Good luck!” as the burglar escaped through the front door.
Kearney and Pareene were still laughing when police arrived. She says they were never truly frightened. “We could’ve probably taken the dude,” she says, “but it just didn’t seem worth it since he obviously was just like a 20-year-old who had never done this before and seemed pretty freaked out.”