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Today, I received a press release about a metalcore tour – featuring Hatebreed, Agnostic Front, and God Forbid – coming through Springfield, VA on December 20.

The name of the tour?

Stillborn Fest.

Stillborn Fest? Really? I understand that metalcore is all about, like, Death, and Being Extreme and such, but the whole “stillborn” thing sounds a bit antiquated to me. Was Stillborn Records founded in 1956?

Let’s be real: “Stillborn” is just your grandmother’s “Aborted Fetus.”

Stillborn Fest needs to put the metal back in metalcore! This is a scene that has spawned actual bands called Vaginal Mutilation, EMBRYONIC DEVOURMENT (Caps Lock theirs), and Fetal Pig (whose musical stylings are known as—-I am not making this up—-“Pigcore”). Stillborn Fest isn’t even trying!

A quick survey of acquaintances has already yielded four way better names for the tour:

Meh, I’m Slightly Offended But I’ve Seen Worse Fest
What’s Red and Crawling Up Your Leg Fest
Stillborn Feast

Any suggestions?