Come close, dear reader. There is something I want to tell you.
I have a Tofurkey in my freezer.
Yes, it is true. I would not lie to you about such a matter. Were you to open my freezer right now, you would find this Tofurkey. Please do not ask me from whence it came, as I do not remember. It is a mystery Tofurkey.
I have not been a vegetarian for some time now—at least three years. Yet, this mystery Tofurkey has been with me for the last three Thanksgivings—and, each Thanksgiving, I contemplate eating it. (Last year, I even went so far as to partially defrost it before finding out that my roommates had planned a huge Thanksgiving Day feast at our house, rendering my Tofurkey superfluous—at which point it was returned to its regular resting place in the freezer.) You see, despite the fact that I eat real turkey, I enjoy the act of eating Tofurkey as well. The rubbery texture and artificial turkey flavorings are quite satisfying in ways that real turkey does not deliver.
So, will 2007 be the big year for my neglected Tofurkey? It is possible, as I know it will be delicious and my desire to eat it grows with each passing year. One of my current roommates also happens to be a vegetarian, and perhaps I will be able to persuade her to talk me into cooking the Tofurkey. However, this year I will be spending the majority of Thanksgiving Day with my family, who will undoubtedly have no interest in my frozen bundle of turkey-flavored tofu. And, if previous Thanksgiving Day experiences at the Borlik household are any indication, I will be returning home with more than enough leftover turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, corn, cranberry sauce, and pie to meet all Thanksgiving holiday-related food needs.
Rest assured that I will provide an update regarding the fate of my Tofurkey after the Thanksgiving holiday.
Fun fact: I misspelled the word “Tofurkey” each and every time I typed it during the writing of this blog post. Try typing it for yourself: Tofurkey. It’s tricky.