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Everyone who has ever talked to me about Fuddruckers has insisted on the excellence of the place’s hamburgers.

Last night, I tried my first Fuddruckers’ hamburger. Then, I tried my first Fuddruckers’ stomach pang, my first Fuddruckers’ slight tremor in the upper extremities, my first Fuddruckers’ creeping nausea, and very nearly my first Fuddruckers’ Customers Only toilet upchuck. I have yet to try Fuddruckers’ World Famous Shakes.

Everyone who has ever talked to me about Fuddruckers is a liar.