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My roommate and I share a lot of stuff–a basement apartment, an affinity for 1980s bad boy-turned-indie film star-turned-Emmy award-winning actor James Spader, and a serious interest in the outcome of MTV’s Shot of Love With Tila Tequila (go Dani!). We also share the occasional head cold.

Last night, we both were feeling pretty down with whatever was going around. All we wanted to do was hunker down with some coloring books, watch Tila make a big a deal about how “shocking” it is that she likes girls and boys, and maybe cook up some brownies. First, though, we needed the books.

We ventured out into the night.

First, we hit up the most likely candidate: CVS. CVS stocks a caramel-apple-specific fondu warmer and several BeDazzlers (Be warned: Click that link and “Remember me? I’m Tana! from national television!” will try to tell you how to make $10,000 in two weeks off of sparkles. Hint: First step is buying a BeDazzler.) But curiously, there was nary a coloring book in sight. Undeterred, we headed across the street to the Safeway, which carried some likely candidates that turned out to be duds–a Disney Princesses magazine and a Thomas the Train activity book. We snatched up some brownie mix and a package of Airborne and staged a hasty retreat home.

What gives, chain stores within walking distance to my apartment? Magazines? Activity books? Please. I’m much too intelligent to be wasting my time on simplistic word games, inane childhood trivia, and straight-shot mazes. I require some serious, no-nonsense line drawings to embellish with intriguing color combinations and precise crayon shading. Oh, I have crayons. Boy, do I have crayons.

I fear for myself, but I also fear for the children. Help! Where is a District coloring book enthusiast to turn?