I must say, makers of Diet Pepsi MAX zero calorie cola, I am not impressed. Nor am I invigorated. In fact, all I feel at this point is the soul-crushing disappointment that can only come with the knowledge that my $1.19 purchase of your product—which had promised to deliver a burst of energy into my system, thus allowing me to concentrate on and complete the overbearing number of work-related tasks that I am currently taking a break from in order to write this top serious message—was a complete waste of my hard-earned money.

Look at the label. It says it right there: “MAX,” in all-caps no less. Maximum is not a word I throw around lightly, my corporate friends. It implies “the greatest quantity or amount possible, assignable, allowable, etc.”—and there’s sure as shit plenty of room left in this 20-ounce plastic bottle for more invigoration. Further investigation of the label reveals that this soda contains 46mg of caffeine content per 8 fluid ounces. Now, I’m no mathematician or dietician or anything, but I can tell you that “46mg of caffeine x 2.5 servings per container”=NOT ENOUGH FUCKING CAFFEINE.

The very fact that my hands aren’t shaking enough to prevent me from typing right now is all the evidence needed to prove that your product is a complete failure. What are you giving me here, PepsiCo? Some slight tremors? I want this shit to make my hands shake so hard that I can barely bring the bottle to my lips, and the only thing that allows me to do so is my all-consuming caffeine addiction. Is that too much to ask for $1.19?