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Hey, Internet. I just wanted you to know that I’m not sick or anything. I know it seems like I’ve been constantly in/out of the bathroom all day—and you are no doubt thinking to yourself, “What the hell is wrong with that guy? He eat some bad clams or something?” Well, as you might have noticed, I gave myself a haircut last night—and I just want to make sure everything’s looking good. Because, you know, in this looks-are-everything culture we’ve got going on here, one stray hair and you’re FUCKED.

So yeah, everything’s cool. I’m just checking myself out in the mirror. And god damn, I’m one handsome fucking man, know what I’m saying? One of my co-workers even told me that my haircut looked good, so fuck yeah!

Seriously, when I was lovingly staring at my gorgeous mug and beautiful new haircut in the bathroom mirror five minutes ago, I wanted to kiss myself. And I probably would have, if that dude from WPFW hadn’t been taking a leak right behind me.