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The holiday season is a time for families to gather, celebrate, and drink the shit out of some serious hard liquor in order to tolerate each other—-and to forget how much the whole gathering-and-celebrating thing is a major pain in the ass. So, here is my special gift to you, dear readers: After the break, a few recipes (courtesy of thatsthespirit.com) for holiday spirits that will help you keep up your holiday spirit. Get it? SPIRITS! It’s a fucking joke.

“The Candy Cane Martini” Ingredients: • 1 1/2 oz. vodka • 1 tsp. peppermint schnapps Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Option: Garnish with a small candy cane or create a candy cane “rimmer” with crushed candy canes.

“The Christmas Cosmopolitan” Ingredients: • 1/2 oz. Cointreau • 1/2 oz. cranberry juice • 1 tsp. lime juice fresh • 1 oz. vodka Mixing instructions: Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass. Option: To garnish, float a few frozen cranberries after pouring.

“The Dog Sled” Ingredients: • 1 1/2 oz. Canadian whiskey • 1 1/2 oz. orange juice • 1 tsp. grenadine • 1 tbsp. lemon juice Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients with cracked ice in a shaker or blender. Pour into a chilled Old Fashioned glass. “The Grinch” Ingredients: • 2 oz. Midori • 1/2 oz. lemon juice (fresh) • 1 tsp. sugar syrup Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled martini glass. Option: Garnish this green drink with a red cherry.

“Scotch Holiday Sour” Ingredients: • 1/2 oz. sweet vermouth • 1 1/2 oz. scotch • 1 oz. Cherry Marnier or cherry brandy • 1 egg white (for two drinks) • 1 oz. lemon juice • Lemon slice Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients, except lemon slice, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender. Strain into a chilled Whiskey Sour glass. Garnish with lemon slice.

“The Scroogedriver” Ingredients: • 4 to 5 oz. off-brand orange juice • 1 1/2 oz. cheapest plastic-bottle vodka you can find Mixing instructions: Mix orange juice and vodka in a plastic cup filled with ice.

“Merry Christmas With the Borlik’s” Ingredients: • 1 pint Jim Beam bourbon • 6 12-oz. bottles of Miller Lite Mixing instructions: Don’t mix that shit, fool! Take a healthy swig of Jim Beam. Follow it up with a beer. Repeat until you’re enjoying yourself or you’ve passed out. Option: Get classy, and buy Miller High Life instead.