The holiday season is a time for families to gather, celebrate, and drink the shit out of some serious hard liquor in order to tolerate each other—-and to forget how much the whole gathering-and-celebrating thing is a major pain in the ass. So, here is my special gift to you, dear readers: After the break, a few recipes (courtesy of thatsthespirit.com) for holiday spirits that will help you keep up your holiday spirit. Get it? SPIRITS! It’s a fucking joke.

“The Candy Cane Martini”
Ingredients:
• 1 1/2 oz. vodka
• 1 tsp. peppermint schnapps
Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Option: Garnish with a small candy cane or create a candy cane “rimmer” with crushed candy canes.

“The Christmas Cosmopolitan”
Ingredients:
• 1/2 oz. Cointreau
• 1/2 oz. cranberry juice
• 1 tsp. lime juice fresh
• 1 oz. vodka
Mixing instructions: Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice. Shake and strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: To garnish, float a few frozen cranberries after pouring.

“The Dog Sled”
Ingredients:
• 1 1/2 oz. Canadian whiskey
• 1 1/2 oz. orange juice
• 1 tsp. grenadine
• 1 tbsp. lemon juice
Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients with cracked ice in a shaker or blender. Pour into a chilled Old Fashioned glass.

“The Grinch”

Ingredients:
• 2 oz. Midori
• 1/2 oz. lemon juice (fresh)
• 1 tsp. sugar syrup
Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients with ice in a shaker. Strain into a chilled martini glass.
Option: Garnish this green drink with a red cherry.

“Scotch Holiday Sour”
Ingredients:
• 1/2 oz. sweet vermouth
• 1 1/2 oz. scotch
• 1 oz. Cherry Marnier or cherry brandy
• 1 egg white (for two drinks)
• 1 oz. lemon juice
• Lemon slice
Mixing instructions: Mix all ingredients, except lemon slice, with cracked ice in a shaker or blender. Strain into a chilled Whiskey Sour glass. Garnish with lemon slice.

“The Scroogedriver”
Ingredients:
• 4 to 5 oz. off-brand orange juice
• 1 1/2 oz. cheapest plastic-bottle vodka you can find
Mixing instructions: Mix orange juice and vodka in a plastic cup filled with ice.

“Merry Christmas With the Borlik’s”
Ingredients:
• 1 pint Jim Beam bourbon
• 6 12-oz. bottles of Miller Lite
Mixing instructions: Don’t mix that shit, fool! Take a healthy swig of Jim Beam. Follow it up with a beer. Repeat until you’re enjoying yourself or you’ve passed out.
Option: Get classy, and buy Miller High Life instead.