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In re my fucked-up leg:

Professional Diagnosis: egg-sized hematoma

Suggested Treatment: elevate leg, stay off leg, hot compress four times daily

(Treatment Already Underway Before Doc Visit: elevate leg, stay off leg, occasional hot compress)

Cost: $40 ($20 for doc visit; $20 for just-in-case X-ray)

I’m never consulting you people about my health again!