There is a mouse in my basement. The squeaky little guy isn’t too much of a bother, but it shits places, my roommate swears she’s allergic to it, and I fear it may breed. We’ve tried three methods of extermination since discovering our new roommate: First, we laid out poison; then, we set sticky traps; finally, we baited two snap traps with peanut butter. Here’s what we’ve found:

Poison: mildly uncomfortable at best! The only effect the posion seems to have on the situation is to make me nervous that the mouse will spread it around and feed it into my food supply … possibly intentionally.

Sticky traps: not very sticky! The other day, I dropped a take-out menu on the floor and accidentally palmed a sticky trap when I bent down to pick it up. I escaped handily. I didn’t even need to use my other hand to help free myself.

Peanut-butter-baited snap traps: delicious! Our basement mouse not only eats the peanut butter off our death machines: He licks them clean. The traps themselves don’t seem too interested in snapping. The scant information I could locate online concerning mouse tongue muscles suggests that they are “similar to limb muscles.” What does it all mean?

Can somebody help me out here? I am not covering my kitchen floor with upside-down duct tape. So, should we just go ahead and name the little guy and prepare to throw a mouse pups shower?