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These days, everyone is a fucking doctor. People get an upset stomach and they blame it on food poisoning from “that nasty Chinese place.” Like, how do you know? Did you analyze your own stool sample? I don’t think so. But when four of us got sick—-in unmentionable, horrible ways—-after eating some delicious raw oysters, shucked straight from the bucket by firelight, well, I was pretty sure what had happened. The only confusing thing was that we didn’t get sick for about two days after consuming the briny little treats.

So I turned to the real expert: the Internet! Well, turns out Norovirus—-which causes most of the food poisoning cases in the U.S. and is found in raw oysters—-takes one to two days to incubate. And, horror of horrors, I am still contagious. If I don’t wash my hands compulsively, I could infect someone else. Which means I could quickly bring the City Paper to a halt. I am going home.