Oh no! Canadian soccer hooligans coming to D.C. this weekend! Or at least the object of their adoration: Toronto FC, which apparently is a soccer team. Apparently, D.C. has one, too, and theirs is visiting ours on Saturday!

Some survival tips vis-a-vis Canadians:

1) The term “going Canadian” refers to not wearing underwear

There’s a reason for this. Be careful around anyone in camo pants.

2) If you see anyone dressed as Canadian comedy icon Red Green, run for your life

Hidden in the SAP audio track on CBC broadcasts of this show is a coded command to “Kill yanks, eh?” (Note: That’s not a question, even though it sounds like one.)

3) Do not bring up Strange Brew

1983 Oscar snub still an open wound north of the 49th.

4) If you find yourself surrounded by a rabid pack of Canadian soccer hooligans, you can shout, “Hey, half-priced poutine!” or, “Hey, it’s a Quebecois separatist!”

This should give you time to turn and run for your life. Don’t go into the woods. Canadians know many of the forest’s secrets.

Photo by jmcnally