We know D.C. Get our free newsletter to stay in the know.

An ongoing chronicle of douchebaggery on the road

Hey, idiot. Yeah, you—-the one behind the wheel of 5,000 pounds of steel on 18th Street NW. Come here. There’s something I want to say to you.

No, come closer. It’s a secret. It’s an important secret meant only for you. Are you ready?


OK, I lied. It’s not a secret that just about every person who drives a car in Our Nation’s Capital is a fucking dumbass. And my ALL-CAPS “Fuck You” isn’t meant only for you, either. It’s for every stupid prick who bought a Hummer to compensate for a tiny dick, every soccer mom who traded in her mini-van for an Escalade, and every compact SUV owner who thinks buying a hybrid makes them less of a piece of shit. Fuck you, every last one of you.

Oh, what’s the matter? Do my words hurt you? Are you upset? Are you furiously typing away a defensive comment right now telling me what a great driver you are, how you need that Ford Escape because every once in a while you buy a big piece of furniture at IKEA, or that you picked up that 4×4 option not out of vanity but because you never know when you’ll feel like getting a little off-road action in through Rock Creek Park while chugging some Coors Light?

Well, dumbfuck car-owner, go for it. And, while you’re at it, P.S.: Go fuck yourself.

And do you know why? It’s because you suck. Try walking through the city for a change instead of spending a million spacebucks on gas each month for the privilege of sitting in traffic while the rest of us get to and from work in less time than you do. Do you know what you’ll see at EVERY FUCKING INTERSECTION? An asshole running a stop sign. Another idiot making a right turn on a red light without stopping. Some dipshit accelerating into a crosswalk trying to beat a pedestrian. “Oh, look at me! I’m an important person driving a tank and I can’t be bothered with civilians trying to cross the street!”

You don’t believe me, because you’re too busy being an asshole in your car, honking at people like the prick that you are. But if you were to get your fat, lazy ass out of your automobile and take a nice stroll or bike ride through town, you’d see drivers such as yourself endangering the lives of pedestrians at every goddamned intersection in the city. It’s true.

So it is for you, the stupid car-owning resident of Washington, D.C., that I write this blog entry—-as well as those that will inevitably follow it as I continue to be almost killed by stupid shits such as yourself during my daily 10-minute walk to work. No, no—-don’t thank me. Thank the batshit crazy driver of the silver Nissan Pathfinder who refused to stop at the crosswalk on Columbia Ave. Road NW in Adams Morgan even though I was in the middle of it. Thankfully, he wasn’t going fast enough to prevent the big fat fucking loogie I hocked up from landing right in the middle of his rear passenger side window.

Yeah, that’s right. I spit on your fucking car. Deal with it.