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Yesterday, the Metropolitan Media Softball League invited team representatives to answer a series of questions about their squads. I gather that this was done in the hopes of producing some kind of scouting report in advance of the season, which begins Saturday. Do the powers that be at MMSL truly believe we’re gonna give up our strategy so easily? Here’s what we filed in response:
1. Team name: The Washington City Paper Shadows, named after Billy “Honor Box” Shadows, a one-time circulation manager for CP who, in 1987, was killed by a hard-hit line drive by an Express staffer. He’s now buried behind the backstop of field #2 at Layhill. Go ahead–check!
2. 2007 record 1-15. Take that, Express!
3. Key returning players (and positions) Look, did you hear what happened to us last summer? We’re just grateful to have enough people left in the building to put together a team.
4. Promising new faces (and positions) Reports our manager, Will Atwood Mitchell: “We have a couple of new positions that we’re really excited about, particularly Eighth Baseman and Shortpitcher. As for new faces, we’re working hard on this one face we like to call “OMG WTF” which we think will come in handy on defense.”
5. Character on “The Office” your team most closely resembles You know that scene in “Diversity Day” where Michael keeps taunting Kelly by going “googi googi” and then gets slapped in the face? We’re like that: Humiliatingly horrible, but we just won’t stop.
6. How do you think this season of “Lost” will end? With exciting promos for future ABC programming!
7. How do you think this season of the MMSL will end? Uh, with exciting promos for future ABC programming?
8. Complete this sentence: If we HIRE BO JACKSON AS A STAFF WRITER, we’re going to be tough to beat in 2008. (Thanks, Will.)
9. What team do you think will be hoisting the Tuttle Trophy as league champions? Us! With great joy and enthusiasm! And then the cops’ll come by and tell us to hand the thing over as the members of the National Press Club, the trophy’s rightful owner, stare at us with a look that merges contempt and anger. Those guys are tough.