Dear Hillary:

I am sure that I am not part of your PowerPoint presentation. I don’t count in your world. I’m a marginally over-educated white boy who doesn’t think much of your gas-tax relief plan, your fighter cred, nor your previous attempts at YouTube viral video. I don’t buy your big-state argument, your blue-collar argument, nor any arguments whatsoever to count Michigan. I don’t think you’re a fighter. I think you are just desperate.

But forget all that. I need you to quit sometime today. I bet a co-worker that you would. The bet is substantial—way more than what I would gain from your gas-tax holiday—two appetizers and two beers! That’s like at least $20. As you can see a lot is riding on this bet.

You’re probably thinking that I’m a total fool for making this bet, that I just don’t know you—that you really are a fighter. Well, I had my reasons. I figured the superdels would flock to Obama [which they are kinda starting to], that you’d tire of loaning yourself money, and that the press would turn against you. I think I’m closer to being right than you’d want to admit. I mean did you see the cover of Time? That has to hurt. I figured you wouldn’t want to put up with that kind of humiliation.

Please say I’m not wrong. I really could use those two beers and two orders of nachos.

You have about 7 hours to quit. Think about all the free time you’ll have tomorrow.

Please consider my plight.

Sincerely yours in 2016,

Jason Cherkis

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