Learning! We rarely do it. That’s why I was excited for last Saturday’s “Learn-A-Palooza,” an entire day dedicated to the task. Last week, I made up a schedule (from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m.) of the self-help workshops and skill tutorials from which I hoped to learn. Then I highlighted it, because highlighting schedules aids in learning.

Here’s what I learned:

10 a.m. “Everything you wanted to know about Giant Pandas”: Asleep. What I learned: N/A

11 a.m. “Do you own your life?”: Asleep. What I learned: N/A

1 p.m. “How to get out of a speeding ticket”: Awake! Not exactly out of bed. What I learned: I sure am sleepy!

3 p.m. “Learn to shoot pool”: Attended! At Bedrock Billiards, a pool pro by the name of Ben Kao taught a room full of wannabe sharks how to finesse a “dead ball,” a “feather shot,” and a “left English.” The trim, bun-haired master also let drop that in the middle of his life, he took a 20-year hiatus from pool, prompting the question—POW, Navy SEAL, or cryogenic vacation? What I learned: I am not very good at pool.

4 p.m. “How to create a memorable character”: Skipped, on account of extra pool practice—-okay, beer drinking, cue-holding, and “the-‘ol-one-eyed-shot-line-up” practice. What I learned: I am really not very good at pool.

5 p.m. “How to find gay men in the city: A fag hag’s guide to D.C.”: Skipped, because, seriously, somebody needs to learn this? Didn’t they see the line outside of Town on Madonnarama night? What I learned:N/A

7 p.m. “How to dance at a party”: Attended. A DJ, a dance major, and some other lady … taught … something. I already know how to dance at a party, but stuck around anyway for the free booze. I did come away with one new move: Two dancers face each other and mime double-dutch jump-rope while other dancers jump in the middle to freestyle (okay, I was drunk). What I learned: Always stick around for the free booze.