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Roosh V, local sex and dating blogger, amateur haikuist, and self-described “player,” has created this handy “Are You A Player Quiz” to help those less sure about their status in “the game.” As I would also like to see the phrase “and self-described ‘player'” capping my mini-biography, I decided to take Roosh’s quiz to see if I could legitimately claim the title.

As it turns out, If you have never had sex with a woman, you are not a “player.” In fact, you might find it difficult to even complete the “Are You A Player Quiz.” Case in point:

2. Think back to the last time you had sex with a girl.

What did you say right after it was done?

‘Did I bring you pleasure?’
‘That was fun’
I fell asleep
I’ve never had sex before

Those with no recollection of having sex with women (or, as the player refers to them, “ladies”) will find it difficult to answer this question.

The hypotheticals aren’t much easier.

6. You’re in bed with a girl and you want her to give you a blow job. What do you do?
Hope she does it on her own
Ask her
I either tell her or push her head down
I stand up next to the bed and lead her to the snake

Well, this is a situation in which I never thought I’d find myself. I can’t even hypothetically imagine myself as a player! I have a lot of work to do.

But even when the questions did apply to me, I still couldn’t get in the game.

1. How do you view women?
I see them as dumb cheap hookers
A means of romantic and sensual pleasure
Princesses who must be cherished
I have a lovehate relationships with them

This one’s easy: I have a lovehate [sic] relationships [sic] with them. But Roosh says play on, player: The answer key at the end informs me that the correct answer is “I see them as dumb cheap hookers.”

Still, my affinity for dive bars and my reluctance to take up guitar in order to impress women helped me get at least a few questions right. With a score of 17 out of 42, I landed squarely in the “beta male” category:

You are a beta male. You get laid every now and then when the girl makes it PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that she likes you. You also think friendship isn’t a bad way to get into a girl’s pants.

Well, I guess “self-described ‘beta male'” is better than “dumb cheap hooker.”