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Record: 0-5 (.000)

That record above notwithstanding, every member of the City Paper softball team brings a special talent to the table. Me, I’m very good at filling in the tiny boxes on scorecards. It’s something you get a lot of practice doing on the Shadows bench. The opposing team scores a run, I fill in a box. The first inning of our second game against the National Press Club hadn’t even ended, and I wound up doing it one, two, three…thirteen times.

So, Andrew’s prediction was right on the money. But a funny thing happened on the way to what promised to be our sixth devastating loss in a row. One of the umpires noticed a lightning bolt not far from the Layhill fields; raindrops started falling soon after, and the game was called. So though we got our asses kicked twice Saturday, the only ass-kicking that counts was our 18-5 loss in the first game.

Unlike some nerds, we don’t keep official stats for our players. But pitcher Tim Carman bravely endeavored to calculate what that 13-run pasting would’ve spelled for his earned run average. Here’s his report:

I will assume, for argument’s sake, that every run was earned. That translates into an ERA of 175.41, which would, I think, earn me a spot in the starting rotation for the Kansas City Royals.

I blame my high ERA on a number of things:

1. My inability to throw strikes.

2. Shortstop Jason “The Croquet Wicket” Hutto

3. The National Press Club

4. God

5. Ted Lerner

6. The high price of food

In the end, I have to thank the umpire for calling the game before the first inning was over. I believe those stats will not officially count. In your face, Press Club!

Photo by Express‘ Holly J. Morris