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I don’t play on the City Paper softball team.

As outlined in these pages, the squad is hurting for bodies and talent. I have only the former to give, but I’m not going to.

Me and guys I grew up with had a team in Northern Virginia for 23 years. We were never that good, and finally quit in 2003, after several summers of getting pounded by younger teams. I still love and deal with my teammates, but I’d rather spend a summer in old-school Abu Ghraib than on a softball team with them or anybody else.

Now, whenever anybody mentions getting the team back together, I watch this video. I don’t know who these people are, but I feel like I know them. Anybody who has played non-coed softball for any length of time has lived through this sort of douchedom.

Better than any book or movie or Dr. Phil episode, this clip explains men and wars —- and why I never want to play softball again.