Dear American Apparel,

Please accept my congratulations on your decision to stock the Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator ($50) alongside your sarcastic bling ($48) and (earnest?) sustainable doggie tees ($17). I would also like to extend a long-overdue thanks for the continued excellence of your free fetish porn.

One query, however. Prithee, A.A., how might one best stimulate the clitoris ironically?

Awaiting your reply,

Amanda Hess

P.S.: I see you are calling the device a “massager.” Is this with the same wink-and-nudge that you refer to this as a skirt?