Last night’s red-carpet ribbon-cutting list-wielding grand opening of Good Stuff Eatery near Eastern Market was a classic D.C. event. The celebrities were reality stars only foodie-TV nerds could love. The paparazzi consisted of DCist and a few other foodie-TV nerds with personal cameras (yours truly included). A guy came through on a bike yelling to people that it’s against the law to block the sidewalk. This was said, of course, while he was riding through them on the sidewalk. Several people came by in their gym clothes, pissed to find out a “private” party prevented them from getting takeout. “The burgers better be good after all of this crap,” one said in response. The PR lady holding the clipboard and list of VIPs informed yet another that no, this was not “like” a private party. It in fact was a private party.

Oh, D.C., how I love you sometimes. As for Chef Spike and his dress maroon porkpie hat… well he’s a tool, but that’s my word. I asked his fellow contestants to word-associate “Spike” (I know, I know. I should have asked why Lisa always makes that face and what they all are doing now and what they thought of the food none of them were eating, but, look, they were chatting. I didn’t want to be annoying. Anyway, here’s what they said):

Antonia: “Lovebug.” Although she later wanted to change hers to “Butternut Squash Soup.”

Stephanie: “Impressive.” Really, Stephanie? Could you be nicer? No wonder you’re the winner AND the fan favorite! Lisa: “Scallops.”

I must admit to perhaps prompting the scallops comment, as the episode where Spike cherry-picks ingredients and ends up with mushy frozen scallops is one of my all-time faves. Lisa took the bait, god bless her unpopular heart. She just became this fan’s favorite. Sorry, Antonia, although—wow—are you so much hotter than you are on TV.

One parting note: Spike turned over the ribbon-cutting of his own restaurant to Stephanie, saying: “Well, I would cut the ribbon, but I didn’t win.” Polite or weird? I vote weird. It’s your restaurant, bro. Own it!