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Why, hello there, person who attended my high school. Thank you for requesting to reconnect with me via a social networking Website. It appears that you’ve recently become someone’s wife.

At first I wasn’t so sure that you had recently gotten married. But then I noticed that you had changed your last name to a completely different last name. “Hmm,” I thought. “That’s weird.” A quick perusal of your photo gallery didn’t help clear up the matter. Why do you appear to be leaning against an abandoned but polished vintage car at the edge of a wooded marsh, your left hand posed strangely in the air, as some dude stares intently into your face? And to think: In all that time that you were sitting three or more rows behind me in Freshman Biology, you never once mentioned your interest in doubles rustic portraiture.

But then I saw that series of photographs of you swathed in a huge, flowing, white satin dress, some dude staring intently into your face. At that point, I was sooooo on to you!

Your autobiographical section only helped heighten my suspicion that you had recently gotten married:

Website: http://www.[some dude]and[girl who sat three or more rows behind me in Freshman Biology]swedding.com

Interests: Enjoying my wonderful husband!, Trying to talk [some dude] into my design ideas for our home.

I must admit that I became a bit confused when I reached the “Favorites Book” section, where you include “Anything by bell hooks and Gloria Steinem.” Hmm. Anything?

Thanks for clearing it all up:

Relationship Status: Married.

Don’t Care,

Amanda Hess