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Many a book makes its way from the hands of the doe-eyed, hype-seeking paperback publisher to the illustrious, half-abandoned-cubicle-lined halls of the City Paper offices. Periodically, I will peruse our collection of these volumes, searching for the rare submission that rises above all others to offend me on the basis of its title alone. When I find this book, I will pluck it from the shelf, lazily skim its offerings until I confirm its offensiveness, then condemn it. Forever!

In this installment of … that, I didn’t have to search too hard to find my next top pick. This one was displayed prominently on the shelf and decorated with an anonymous yellow Post-It note that read, “TOP PICK!” The title, If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs, had the necessary gravitas to make me pick up the book. The author’s name, “Big Boom,” made me open that book, and explore its world.

Oh, Big Boom. I began your book with such high expectations. I will give credit where credit is due: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs is far and away the most offensive title I have come across in an already offensive genre, the “Guide To Understanding Men.”

However, the contents of IYWCIYRSWYL are so hastily assembled and often completely nonsensical that I can only conclude that the inspired title is but a fortunate accident, nothing more. The rest of the book, unfortunately, is not coherent enough to be truly offensive.

Big Boom, a Texas-based “celebrity bodyguard” as well as “a pimp, a player, and a hustler,” appears qualified to impart advice on “all the games men play.” “In my past, I searched for women who were whores,” he writes. “For about forty-seven years of my life, I was attracted to these women … whorish women.” If his resume isn’t enough to convince you, check the back cover: That’s Boom in the luxurious purple suit with matching fedora, relaxing atop a zebra hide in his study. This guy is legit.

Boom’s sprawling, 200-page treatise, though, is less polished. In “Why I Wrote This Book,” Boom explains that he “had a talk with God,” who convinced him to atone for his player past by instructing women how to avoid men like him. The book reads as if Boom, lounging atop that wild, dead animal, simply delivered a meandering oral history of “the game,” which was then collected, unabridged, and packaged as a “National Essence Bestseller.”

The closest Boom gets to a thesis comes under a section called “Why I Think Relationships Are Important”:

A woman can have a good man, but the problem could be that she’s no good for that man! A man wants sex, but a woman wants romance and material possessions. Sometimes it seems as if a man and a woman are from different worlds. It’s as if men are from the East Side and women are from the West Side.

I’m vaguely offended, but I’m also bored, Boom! Let’s go straight to the riffs! Take, for example:

Big Boom’s inspired organization: Chapter five, “Games People Play,” is followed closely by chapter six, “God Will Get You!”

His Foreigner introspection: “I was a man whose spirit was tougher than steel, and colder than ice. My blood would boil like water and my temperature would rise so high that the unthinkable would enter my mind.”

His no-nonsense modern solutions: From “Sex”: “If a woman breaks the rule and has sex with a man the first night, she should wake up the next morning before he does and freshen her makeup. She should put on a pair of high heels and her house-coat, and get her legs looking good … Try not to wake up in the morning looking crazy.”

His extensive research base: Those interested in learning more about the “Down Low” —-a term for discreet bi- or homosexual behavior—-are directed to seek information from additional sources. “There are many books written by brothers on this subject,” notes Boom. “You can go to Google and find various titles.”

photo by Lin Pernille Photography