I haven’t verified my suspicion with an office-wide survey, but I think I may be City Paper’s resident gun nut. Though not of the same caliber as the folks in Angela Valdez’s gun show entry, I remember watching my grandfather, still wearing his Episcopal clerical collar, clean a .38 revolver at my grandmother’s kitchen table. With equal nostalgia, I remember the first time he took me squirrel hunting and out for target practice (in that order, strangely enough), as well as the day I received one of his rifles as a birthday gift.

I won’t delve too deeply into gun culture other than to say that for many people, especially Southerners, gun ownership is seldom about paranoia or anti-statism. Owning a gun is more transcendental, and speaks to a tradition of self-sufficiency and independence from bureaucracy (exceptions: subsidized farmers). I won’t bore City Desk readers with why DC’s new gun law is a good thing, or why it’ll be even better when it’s set in stone. For a thoughtful discussion on gun laws, check out this month-long debate at Cato Unbound.

Now to the meat of this post: In joyous celebration of the restoration of my rights (and in anticipation of a conceal & carry law in the near future), this gun nut’s wish list*:

1.) Ruger P95: In the words of a friend who can use a pistol to hit “a 2-inch target at 100 meters,” the Ruger 9mm is “like a Ford or Chevrolet—take care of them and they run forever.” It comes from the factory with a 10-round magazine, but can take a 15-round mag, should home defense require it. Why I want it: According to the Ruger website, the gun is “easily maintained and can be field-stripped into five major subassemblies for cleaning, without the need for special tools.” It has the stopping power of a bigger pistol with less recoil. It comes in black, which makes it scary as shit. And It’s compact, which means I can grasp it with my abnormally small hands.

2.) Remington 870 or Mossberg 500: Deciding between the 870 and th

e 500—both 12-gauge shotguns—comes down to choosing between the following mottos: “It always goes bang,” or, “Guard dogs have to be fed, walked, groomed, trained. These you just oil.” Both guns are meticulous works of violent art. Both guns have been around for a while. And both guns are available with a dizzying array of “tactical options.” Why I want it: Remember when Marsellus Wallace blew off Zed’s nuts in Pulp Fiction? Ever seen Dawn of the Dead? Heard about that time when some kid blew himself in half playing with his dad’s shotgun? There’s no dodging a five-foot spread of hot scattershot.

3.) S&W .38: The preferred handgun of cops and cool cats alike, the .38 special is the NY Yankees of firearms. While not quite as forgiving as a high-capacity semi-auto, the .38 will knock things down/blow things up/convince scumbags to steer clear of your pad. A speed loader will level the playing field. A 12-inch barrel will change your life. Why I want one: .38 + shoulder holster = B-A-L-L-S.

*Q: Mike, why three guns?

A: I adhere to the placement schematic designed by a wise ole’ fiddle player named Buddy Bass: “One gun on the woman’s side of the bed, one gun on the man’s side of the bed, and a shotgun behind the bedroom door.”

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