City Paper is not for tourists
8:50 PM … Alright, bitches: It’s on. We’ll be live-blogging the Joe Six Pack event of the presidential debate season—-the town hall—-for the next hour and a half. Thanks for tuning in.
8:57 PM … Booooring
8:59 PM … These are the country’s undecided voters: Judge them.
9:00 PM … Oh, you unconstrained home viewers. Brokaw smirks for you.
9:03 PM … Obama and McCain look awkward on those seats.
9:04 PM … NUMBER ONE is a winner! Alan is looking good.
9:05 PM … Okay Obama … real star, though, is pink shirt dude in the front. Here’s to you, pink shirt dude!
9:06 PM … “Alan” is lost in a sea of other similar-looking bald white dudes. Is this really a representative sample?
9:07 PM … Ahhh . . . McCain’s going in! He’s really getting in there in the seats! Close to the real Americans! He’s cutting right in there! Alright, there, he’s out.
9:08 PM … Wow, McCain is a dick to Tom Brokaw within eight minutes! . . . because he can’t take it out on the “real Americans”
9:09 PM … The “real American” questions are great because they’re kind of weird and not to the point . . . hey, Palin should ask a question! Isn’t she a “real” American? Where are you, Palin!
9:10 PM … IS THAT A LIVESTRONG BRACELET ON BROKAW?
9:11 PM … Buh, Wall Street / Main Street . . . come on, Oliver, you can’t just pick a question that sends them straight to the talking points.
9:12 PM …Why would McCain assume we’d never heard of this? Big Mac who? I’m American!
9:13 PM … Oooh, Barack is “not surprised” he has to correct some history. Probably better to be condescending to McCain, though, and not “Oliver.”
9:15 PM … Barack Obama wrote a letter saying we had to “deal with this”? Jesus maybe you should have sent an e-mail or a fucking twitter or something. Ben Bernake doesn’t have time to page through your scented stationery.
9:17 PM … Oh John McCain wrote a letter TOO!
9:18 PM … For the record, I’m writing a letter right now just in case some really bad shit goes down remember it’s not my fault, I wrote a letter, kthx.
9:19 PM … Woah, woah, lady with kind of my hair cut!
9:20 PM … Seriously I know the teevee’s not supposed to show anyone’s response after they ask a question, but is that lady okay??
9:21 PM … McCain understands “cynicism,” “mistrust,” “complete irrational anger,” “horrific rage”
9:22 PM … He voted for every increase in spending?? Every one?? Does the “surge” count?
9:23 PM … “My friends” … planetariums are simply irresponsible, pork-barrel, liberal earmark lies created by the mainstream media to steal your money.
9:24 PM … Question from the Internet tubes! Where does McCain vaguely threateningly wander to now?
9:25 PM … The monies go to terrorist organizations? You mean Barack Hussein Obama and his community organizer cronies?
9:26 PM … Nodding audience members! Are these people really “undecided”? Are they allowed to look the candidate in the eyes? Get on this, Brokaw.
9:28 PM … What sacrifices must we make? Oh come on, Internet lady, don’t turn this shit back on all of us.
9:29 PM … Wait McCain, I have to sacrifice earmarks and defense spending? Shit I’m already not fucking doing that!
9:30 PM … “Shoving earmarks in the middle of the night into programs”? Holy shit, is McCain finally addressing women’s issues??
9:31 PM … Hmm … if we save energy by turning out the lights, won’t that just facilitate the shoving of earmarks into programs under the cover of darkness?
9:33 PM ... Wall Street got drunk? I guess it’s not so much different from me, after all.
9:34 PM … Hey! Blue sweater lady in the back! You are clearly giving Obama the dreamy eye! You are not undecided, lady. Quick note to blond mustache dude: Thanks for keeping it real.
9:35 PM … Nailing jello to the wall? Oh John McCain, your folky aphorisms make no sense.
9:36 PM … Senator Obama’s SECRET THAT YOU DON’T KNOW . . . Muslim terrorist tax collector!
9:37 PM … Obama breaking the rules! At least he’s asking instead of just brushing off the next question and answering the one he wants anyway.
9:38 PM … Tom Brokaw hijacks a true American’s question now. Oh “rules.”
9:39 PM … Straight talk express lost a midnight earmark to the jello wall on that one, am I right ladies?
9:40 PM … Is that your town hall debate tie, sir? Is it really?
9:41 PM … Hey, if I say “I’ll answer the question,” and then I make a totally creepy laugh, then people might forget I said “I’ll answer the question,” right?
9:42 PM … Is anyone sick of the number of votes the two candidates compile against the other? John McCain has been in the Senate since Jesus Christ was president and Barack Obama is a little internet lolcat, so how can you really compare?
9:43 PM … jean jacket wearing enviornonmental green job lady are you really undecided?
9:44 PM … John McCain was on Navy ships with nuclear power plants? OK—-badass.
9:46 PM … I bet you didn’t ask that question to get that amazing Washington outsider zinger!
9:47 PM … Brokaw’s getting sassy. He should have been at the last debate. Catfight!
9:49 PM … That bill was loaded down with goodies that you couldn’t nail to the wall if the goodies were soft, jiggly jello goodies. Guess what? The person I am speaking about shadily in this old backdoor senate floor story is none other than my opponent, Senator Barack Obama! And you know what’s more? He’s right here behind this curtain!
9:50 PM … is John McCain lost?? He’s wandering around! Your awkward stool seat is right over there Senator. Stop wandering into “America.”
9:51 PM … “Bigger pool for health care so we can drop the cost” . . . man. Creative Loafing told me the same thing.
9:53 PM … If you’re trying to get health insurance for your child . . . Barack Obama . . . will fine you?
9:54 PM … Gold-plated Cadillac plans . . . hair transplants? Wah? Can you really joke about the excess of plastic surgery when you probably don’t even know if you have a gold-plated Cadillac in one of your own dozen garages?
9:56 PM … Lay it down Obama. Lay it on sweet.
9:58 PM … Under McCain/Palin: Arizona: health care as Mexico: prescription pills
10:00 PM … Fine! Mwa ha ha ha. Mwa ha. Heh.
10:01 PM … America is the greatest force of good in the history of the world? McCain may very well know from experience.
10:02 PM … I think we all know that it’s “parents” who just don’t understand.
10:03 PM … Oh John McCain. Continue to lean jauntily against that chair.
10:05 PM …Setting a date for withdrawl? God, the “that’s what she said” opportunities in this debate are endless.
10:07 PM … Red light, McCain, come on. No more time for you to say “beneficially” again.
10:09 PM … Obama lady is SURPRISED BY THIS QUESTION, and probably by her pronunciation of “Vietnam.”
10:10 PM … Attention … fading … somebody wink!
10:11 PM … Obama will KILL, CRUSH. McCain prefers to play hide-the-stick.
10:12 PM … “Wahh, I want a follow up!” -McCain “Tom Brokaw, you are a beautiful, classy man” -Obama
10:15 PM … Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah alright take your time. No, no, go ahead, we have nothing to do. Lah dee dah, no go ahead. No, seriously, take your time! Oh, you made a joke with a veteran, eh? What are you talking about now? No please continue to ramble until you’ve taken up as much time as Obama.
10:17 PM … “If” either of you become President as one of you will … you hear that, Paultards?
10:18 PM … Obama, just admit you were wrong. You’re breaking McCain’s heart.
10:19 PM … holy shit I’m not sure I can take ten more questions from “The Internet.”
10:20 PM … I love the Putin talk! KGB! Do they have nuclear plants over there on their commie ships? Only John McCain’s large, hidden stick knows for sure.
10:21 PM … Egh, does Joe Biden really “love” this guy.
10:22 PM … I think Obama’s getting a widdle bit sleepy …
10:23 PM … YES or NO . . . well, it’s a bit more complicated than that. Okay, well, if you hadn’t done your creepy little chuckle, your “maybe” answer might have been a “LOL,” as they say.
10:25 PM … YES! PINK SHIRT DUDE! Bonus: pink shirt dude is in the military.
10:26 PM … There McCain goes with the microphone again. Is that thing on?
10:27 PM … Military options will not be off the table; but tell me, Senator, will they be nailed to the jello wall?
10:28 PM … From New Hampshire and the Internet? My God, the power of technology!
10:29 PM … Oh great, Internet person. Thanks for taking the time to interview Obama and McCain for the manager position at the local Cinnabon. Next question: “When have you gotten along poorly with a teammate, and what did you do?”
10:32 PM … McCain doesn’t know what will happen in America, world; Senator McCain, what does Heaven look like?
10:33 PM … What the fuck are you talking about?
10:34 PM … Country first. Debate last. My god. GOODNIGHT.
10:35 PM … Commence handshaking! Michelle! Cindy! Descend! McCain just touched that guy’s ears! McCain rubbed his ears for luck! But CIndy only gets a side-cheeky thing. Blond dude with handlebar moustache! Creepy blue sweater surprised Obama lady! I want to see you hug it out! That is the great journey we call America!