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THESE ARE WORDS YOU WILL NEVER SPEAK if you help the National Zoo build its planned Elephant Exercise Trek.

According to a letter sent to me and other Friends of the National Zoo (FONZ), the exercise trek will allow elephants to “exercise, forage, and behave much as they would in the wild.”

The zoo needs $500 grand to make this dream a reality. And to thank you for your donation of a hundred dollars or more, you won’t just be able to see your name in the visitor’s center lobby for two years. You won’t just get to go to the grand opening of the planned Elephant Barn.

You will also receive some elephant poo. Specifically, you will receive a “one-of-a-kind elephant pin handmade from elephant poo paper.” (If you’re not feeling charitable, these folks sell poo paper of lesser benefit to local pachyderms.)

Curiously, this premium is not available to those who donate at higher levels.