It’s not quite time for Top/Bottom 10 mania yet, but Film Threat‘s given moviegoers an early present with an extensive list of vitriol, Frigid 50: The Coldest People in Hollywood 2008.
Some of it’s a little too snarky even for my taste — no small feat — but most of the list is pretty right-on, skewering the recent choices of once-It Folks such as the Wachowski brothers (#16) and Simon Pegg (#39, and one selection I’d prefer not to dismiss just yet).
The site doesn’t just call out the celebrated, either. I winced at #15, Film Critics: “We at the Threat toil for the love of it, so we’re sick of print critics bitching about the demise of their profession at the hands of ‘internet criticism,’ but let’s be honest, not like anyone listens to critics anyway.” (Though, in the interest of full disclosure, I have contributed to Film Threat in the past, and there’s a box of unwatched and/or uncritiqued FT DVDs mocking me in my office.)
And my undisputed favorite is #10, You:
You made Beverly Hills Chihuahua #1 for two weeks. You’re the reason we have to be frisked when we go to a movie to make sure we’re not smuggling in cameras. You bring toddlers to a 10pm screening of The Hills Have Eyes. You show up late to the movie, then loudly ask questions about shit you missed because you couldn’t be bothered to leave the house five minutes early.
You spend more money to see a talking zebra than you do on documentaries about your own fucking government. Your complete willingness to bend over and spread your cheeks for the movie studios is why Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer continue to have careers.
Anti-Freeze: Kill yourselves.
I suspect — or at least hope — that City Paper readers don’t fit this description. A note, however, to those who recognize themselves: Really, I don’t care what garbage you choose to spend your money on. But I can’t reiterate two of the above points often enough: When you do go to the movies, leave the babies at home and SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Thank you. And enjoy the list.