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Paul Cullum at Vanity Fair snagged a memo from Thomas Kinkade to the workers on the set of his direct-to-DVD, X-Mas bomb. The best parts parts of the memo (ranked as superlatives) after the jump.

Creepiest request:

6) Hidden details whenever possible, References to my children (from youngest to oldest as follows): Evie, Winsor, Chandler and Merritt. References to my anniversary date, the number 52, the number 82, and the number 5282 (for fun, notice how many times this appears in my major published works). Hidden N’s throughout — preferably thirty N’s, commemorating one N for each year since the events happened.

Request most likely to piss off Barbara Walters and Stanley Kubrick

4) Awareness of edges. Create an overall sense of soft edges, strive for a “Barry Lyndon” look. Star filters used sparingly, but an overall “gauzy” look preferable to hard edge realism.

Request most likely to remind viewers that Kinkade is a repressed teenage girl in a middle-age alcoholic’s body:

11) Hidden spaces. My paintings always feature trails that dissolve into mysterious areas, patches of light that lead the eye around corners, pathways, open gates, etc. The more we can feature these devices to lead the eye into mysterious spaces, the better.

Head on over to Vanity Fair’s website to read the rest of the memo and Cullum’s analysis.