Old news flash: The Federal Security Apparatus (FSA) won’t allow anyone onto the parade route who’s toting a bag that’s 8-by-6-by-4 inches or larger. That is, the bag must be smaller than the iconic 8-by-6-by-4 inch standard.

More tests above, in the confines of City Desk’s home bag-testing laboratory. We have some fine measuring devices here, plus some heavy-duty calculators and abaci for determining volume. In other words, these are some measurements to take to the bank when confronting a Secret Service agent. You might even want to print out this blog post before making your way to security checkpoints with bags in tow.

OK, enough preamble.

The results of this test prove conclusively that the standard ACE screw-and-small-nuts-and-bolts bag is fully allowable at the parade route. This bag boy measures a sleek 6.5-by-3.5-by-2, for a total cubic inchdom of 45.5, or about one-fourth the size of the iconic 8-by-6-by-4 jobber.

The other specimens displayed above are just so huge, so towering, so capacious, so mischief-accommodating, so inappropriately out of whack with any standard of parade-route security, that it’s a wonder I’ve even bothered to measure and photograph them. But just know that the bagel bag is 11-by-6-by-3.5, for a total of 231 cubic inches—-Al Qaeda all the way. The Whole Foods iteration is 10-by-12-by-6.5, for a very, very unsafe 780 cubic inches. God forbid that some agent down there on Tuesday take his eye off the ball for a second or two and allow one of these beasts onto Pennsylvania Avenue.