Hey, you know what would happen if they got an inch of snow in Sault Ste. Marie, Mich.? Nothing! You know what would suck worse? Living in Sault Ste. Marie, Mich.*!

Every time it snows here I get ready—make sure I have ice melt, find the snow shovels in the basement, check air pressure in car tires. I also brace myself for a boatload of superior twaddle from people who are originally from colder climes. You know who they are. Hell, I’m friends with some of them. No matter how cold it is, they insist it isn’t cold. And God forbid it should snow. You call this snow? they’ll ask without waiting for you to answer (and the answer is: yes).

Now even Jesus the new president is in on it. Hey Admiral Byrd and Co., here’s why school is canceled. My street isn’t clear. It’s not a main street, but there are many streets like it. I’m excellent at driving in snow and couldn’t get my front-wheel drive car up the hill and out of the nabe yesterday. This area doesn’t have enough snow-removal equipment to clear the streets quickly enough. Where cars can’t go, buses can’t either. Please snicker and hold your now-that-was-a-real-snow-day nostalgia parties out of earshot of the rest of us.

*FULL DISCLOSURE: My parents live in Sault Ste. Marie, Mich.