A blonde haired student picks up her Blackberry. It’s another e-mail from Match.com.

“It’s not for me,” the Catholic University student quickly points out. “It’s for my mom.”

Justine G. (how she asked to be identified to keep up a “positive image” in her Google search results) is a sophomore media studies major from Allentown, PA. She has secretly signed her mother up for the dating website. She filled out a question form, but it has not posted any photos yet.

“I don’t really want any divorced guys for my mom, not that there’s anything wrong with it,” said Justine.

She was surprised to see that there are CUA students on the website.

Justine describes the dating website as “like Facebook for old people” as she sits by a computer in the yearbook office (she’s co-editor) and scrolls through profile after profile of possible digital date prospects.

Here are her thoughts on potential suitors for her maternal unit:

“He studied Vietnam, I like Vietnam!”

“The funny stuff is the turn-ons, it’s kind of gross.”

“You have to read the jobs, that’s what is important.”

“He’s only separated though, you can’t be on here and be separated, that’s not how it works.”

Some of the pictures are “from like 20 years ago” said Justine.

“He’s a Buddhist though, that’s not going to work.”

“Some of them have kids and I was like, oh I could have a brother, I could have a younger sister!”

“Me and my roommate sat on here for like two hours. You know that’s not the real person though, that’s the only thing.”

“I want a professor to be on here so bad, you have no idea.”

UPDATE (5:40 p.m.)

Justine plans to print out a number of the profiles (using a free university printer, of course) and present them to her mom over spring break. “It’s going to be a surprise.”

UPDATE (5:46 p.m.)

On this article: “It reads like an Onion article,” says Justine.