It’s 5:15 p.m. In other words, dinner time! Terrace Dining Room (TDR) is AU’s dining hall. Beloved by some, reviled by more, tolerated by all. On the menu tonight is the average array of soul food (African pork roast, wtf?), vegan legume-based side dishes and  the all-you-can-eat ice cream bar. Substitutions: grilled cheese instead of chicken at the “American Grill” station.

With only one unfried-entree dining option (who want’s an Einstein bagel for dinner?) open to students, the likelihood of bumping into last week’s hook-up is well above average. But, bent forks and fiestaware aside, the atmosphere is communal – all the students descending on the salad bar and carving station between 5 and 8 p.m., all of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity bursting into “I Want It That Way” at 5:30 p.m. on the dot. The atmosphere is comfortable, familiar. Which means, fraternizing with friends in a comfort food coma, people will say the darndest things.

5:41 p.m. “I don’t wanna smell your cheap cologne while I’m trying to eat, Eurotrash.”

5:55 Girl waiting in line for stir fry – “This is just a shit TDR night.”

5:57 “Once you poop yourself, I’m gonna wipe it all  over you!”

6:05 “Chocolate bread! Chocolate bread! Yeeeaaaaah, WHAT!?”

6:15 “Are you gonna, like, spoonfeed her?”

6:18 “He reeked of alcohol. He was passing out in my bed! Like, why would someone do that? He doesn’t appreciate me.”

6:29 Dude #1, “So what’s good?”  Dude #2, “Nothing.”  #1, “No, that’s just TDR.”

6:30 “I’ll catch it in my mouth! Dude, I swear, I’ll catch it in my mouth! Throw it, like a Frisbee. LIKE A FRIS- Ow!”

6:33 “If I’m not mistaken, that’s Rudy’s favorite sauce!”


6:36 “Hey, go find a girl to make-out with. You cheat on your girlfriend, you sack of shit!… HOME. WRECKER.”

6:42 “I just don’t feel like girls get on each other like guys do.”

6:50 “Have you ever watched The Land Before Time? You’d be Petrie! You definitely would…So what’s the little duck? No you’re Petrie, you really are. You’re Petrie.”

6:59 “Moment of truth – African pork… Mmm.”

6:59 “It’s black people. Black people at American.”

7:00 [From the Petrie gallery] “I’m still debating the dinosaur question.”

7:02 “I just spilled fruit punch on my crotch. Awesome…” [Drinks some punch.] “And the fruit punch is fuckin’ warm, too. What the fuck.”