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Perhaps this is Dewey crime at its most essential: several teenagers mobbing a 40-year-old woman inside a very crowded Mama Celeste’s, slipping on slices of pizza, mashing cheese fries into the floor. The most serious injury? An 18-year-old girl with bite marks in her forehead.

In the Dewey Beach Police complaints log, the fracas reads as “Mama Celeste’s, Offensive Touching P.O.” I have no clue what P.O. means. Perhaps Pissed Off, in which case I’d tack on Drunk and Hungry. At 1 a.m. last Sunday morning, Dewey’s most popular pizza den was a mobbed with the bar backwash, and the 40-year-old was waiting on the last pie of her $80 order. While her head was turned, a pie disappeared; the last she saw of it was a pair of sneakers bolting out the door. Apparently, a pair of teenagers jacked her chow.

This ended the only way theft of drunk food can end in Dewey Beach. The woman became enraged, accusing the teens around her of aiding and abetting the thieves, in particular an 18-year-old girl who held a carton of cheese fries. The 40-year-old sent the fries flying and the mayhem began.

When the Dewey police arrived, the gore of melted cheese and tomato sauce was everywhere, the $80 tower of pizza toppled and smashed into the floor. The woman was bruised and scraped-up from her tussle with the teens, and the 18-year-old sported incisor marks on her forehead.

Sgt. Cliff Dempsey sounded less impressed with the wound than the tomato sauce carnage.

“I mean, there was pizza everywhere,” he said.