City Paper is not for tourists
$201 million in five days. That’s the astonishing amount of box office Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has earned since opening Wednesday, beyond all comprehension and hope for humanity.
I started perusing reviews immediately after seeing the movie but quickly had to stop, fearing that all the good digs had already been taken and that if it were inevitable that some of my adjectives would match another’s, it wasn’t going to be because I read that person’s critique first.
But man, are some of them funny. I finally went back to Rotten Tomatoes to read all of the vitriol — and 20 percent of the fresh ratings — and have listed the best below, in no particular order.
A horrible experience of unbearable length. — Roger Ebert
Like watching paint dry while getting hit over the head with a frying pan. — Peter Bradshaw, The Guardian
A giant, lumbering idiot of a movie. — David Edwards, Daily Mirror
A 150-minute simulation of life in a garbage disposal. — Matt Pais, Metromix
The male teenage cinematic equivalent of snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass. — Garth Franklin, Dark Horizons
If you ever wondered what a movie would look like geared toward the underdeveloped brain of a gestating zygote…then Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the insipid illustration you’ve been waiting for. — Bill Gibron, PopMatters
After 149 minutes, I felt like I had been sitting in an aluminum garbage can while someone drummed on the outside with a wrench. — Laura Clifford, Reeling Reviews
#transformersfail — Nell Minow, Beliefnet
Putrid, offensive, and life-sucking. — Dustin Putman, The Movie Boy
And finally, a man after my own heart:
Only an asshole could have made this film. — Rob Humanick, House Next Door