City Paper is not for tourists
Mornin’, City Desk readers! Welcome to the second edition of what used to be but is no longer Freedom Friday. Remember: Freedom is dead. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.
One word: Oprah! The “queen of daytime television” will announce today she’s ending her show in 2011. This is huge! Now, in case you’re a little slow, let me connect the dots and tell you what’s really going on here. Just this week, Sarah Palin goes on Oprah to plug her book Going Rogue even while insisting that 2012 is “not on my radar screen right now,” which is what all candidates for president have to say in 2009. Oprah is all charming, as usual, and gets her biggest audience in two years! Then, just a few days later, Oprah announces that she will be leaving her show after 25 years to “start her own cable channel.” Coincidence? This could really only mean one thing: Palin-Winfrey 2012! You heard it here first.
I’m sure there are skeptics out there. Yeah, Oprah endorsed Barack Obama during last year’s campaign. But whatever. Remember how she didn’t go out and stump for him, except, like, once? It’s obvious now that this is because she is a secret political admirer of Sarah Palin. And Michelle Obama knows it (see picture).
Also, put yourself in Palin’s place. Who else would you pick to be your vice presidential running mate? John McCain? He’s too old, and he obviously held her back last time. Mitt Romney? Not until he changes his hair, and that doesn’t seem imminent. I suppose Todd, the ex-First Dude, is a possibility. Sarah does say in her book that “God and Todd” got her where she is today, and it’s not like she can put God on the ticket. Anyway, Oprah makes total sense.
In other news, NASA has confirmed that the world is not ending, at least not on Dec. 21, 2012.
Just in time for Thanksgiving, there is a shortage of canned pumpkin.
Two-thirds of American Santas are fat—and they want a swine flu shot.
Happy Friday! And catch up with me on Twitter!
Photo by woohoo120, Creative Commons Attribution License