In all likelihood, we will spend this evening stuck on the Metro, sardined between a sharp umbrella and a musty-smelling parka, so instead, let’s picture ourselves in Waimea Bay—where hot surfers are grappling with 30-50 foot Pacific waves in the epic Quicksilver surf competition. Feel better? I don’t either.

I bet on the north shore of Oahu, bronzed surfers can bike to their favorite fresh fish taco stand without running into a parking enforcement vehicle.

D.C. Councilmember Tommy Wells helped save the H Street NE corridor shuttle this week. While doing so, he tweeted on Monday: “Just spoke with the Mayor re H street shuttle. Very promising.” Can someone please tell me why I am reduced to reading 140 character posts for news? What dimension is this?!

Apparently one in which a former Bethesda honors student decides a good after-graduation plan is to assassinate the president.

And one where the former opinion editor of the Washington Times is suing the paper for—among other reasons—pressure to attend a Unification Church event.

I’m trying to ignore those budding reality TV stars, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, but the 24/7 news cycle keeps vomiting them back up: Apparently they plan to plead the Fifth if subpoenaed.

Okay, reality isn’t always so bad: President Barack Obama is allocating more than $167 million to arts and humanities endowments, there’s a rad beer tasting with City Paper‘s own Beerspotter tomorrow, and there are some great local Indie bands playing at the Rock and Roll Hotel on Friday. And the escalators at the east entrance of the Columbia Heights metro are working! 

Oh wait, no they’re not. As of Tuesday, all the escalators are off on both sides. I am in Oahu. I am in Oahu. 

Photo of where I’d rather be by Michael Dawes, Creative Commons Attribution License