Good golly, Mike Wise had an awkward week. First, Wise appeared on Saturday’s “Redskins Report” panel alongside fill-in panelist David Aldridge. Aldridge, remember, was the dude who came off like a goofy suck-up and a bully-for-pay while supporting his dark-hearted meal-ticket, Tony Kornheiser, during Kornheiser’s latest attacks on Wise on WTEM.
Aldridge sat across the table from Wise, but spent the half-hour staring at another panelist, Doc Walker, so as to avoid eye contact with Wise, who on his own WJFK show all but said he wanted to whup Aldridge’s ass after the Kornheiser flap. If I were concocting an Uncoziest TV Shows of the Decade list, this’d make it.
But then things got really got wacky for Wise. For Saturday’s Post he wrote a column that was sorta about philandering. You gotta read it to believe it, but, in short, Wise kept repeating “I am Tiger Woods!” while insinuating again and again that he gets more tail than a toilet seat. But Wise mucked it all up by continually advising readers that it’s just not right to bang bang bang bang bang, as he does. Note to kids: Don’t grow up to be like me, pounding everything with a pulse!
The whole story’s a feast, but my fave Wise sentence: “I am Tiger Woods, and I understand why the scent of a woman is unbeaten in 2009 and beyond.”
I mean, as long as he’s got that 2009 qualifier in there, me and Wise are on the same page. But, while we’re all confessing stupid shit, there have been years — 2004-2006 come to mind — when the scent of a Cinnabon totally made a run for the top spot. Maybe that’s just me.
Wise also gets silly when he talks about Tiger’s enablers in his being complicit in the golfer’s becoming a public embarrassment. From Wise’s version of “Five Easy Pieces”:
I am Tiger Woods, and just as Charles Barkley stood up for him during his weakest moments, I had friends lend support, telling others not to judge.
And while their efforts were appreciated, most of these people turned out to be enablers from the fraternity of arrested development, where boys must be boys because authentic men aren’t allowed to join. I knew I couldn’t change until my circle of “friends” changed.
Well, I don’t know if Wise’s enablers helped him get more tail than a toilet seat. But, I am worried more for Wise about the enablers at his workplace who ok’d that boast/confessional/piece of crap. It takes a village for something that bizarre to make it to print.
Were I concocting a Most Misguided Stories of the Decade list, Wise’s story wouldn’t be on it. Like they used to say about fill-in-the-blank-party-school whenever Playboy’s Best Party Schools poll would come out, it wouldn’t be fair to include professionals with amateurs.