5. Attend couples’ counseling with Peter Nickles. The attorney general, quite simply, does not like us very much. The District’s top lawyer—the man who called Councilmember Mary Cheh an “angry woman”—seems kind of angry himself, if you ask us. He won’t speak to certain members of our staff (i.e., Jason Cherkis), whom he recently dubbed, during a personal visit to his office, “not a reporter.” And that hurts our feelings. But let the record show: We are committed to trying to work it out.

6. Following the lead of the Washington Post, link less. The effectiveness of this strategy came through for the daily during the Great Snowball (Gun)Fight of 2009, at which an off-duty D.C. cop got out of his Hummer and drew his weapon for no reason other than his vehicle had been hit with snowballs. Rather than link to existing video and photos that clearly showed what happened, the Post ran an inaccurate and incomplete story quoting a load of bullshit from police. Because, you see, to link is to lose. If only we here at City Paper could be so Web savvy.

Stay tuned to City Desk for the rest.