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I just got back from a really great three hour stay inside the Adams Morgan Harris Teeter. So yeah, I picked a really bad time to get Superbowl snacks. Let’s break it down:

*One minute hunting for a cart. There were none at the entrance.

*59 minutes in cart gridlock hunting down the last of the beans, packaged meat, turkey slices, and the two remaining non-fucked-up Granny Smiths.

*Two hours in line waiting to check-the-fuck-out. I admit I probably conducted some bad line intel. I overheard a kid say the checkout at No. 9 had the fastest line. He was wrong. The line snaked through the store, beyond the toothpaste and vitamins, and then up through the beer aisle and along the frozen peas, and all the way past the veggie patties. But once I got in line, I was stuck. During that time, I read through issues of Time, Newsweek, Entertainment Weekly, People, and OK! I know all I need to know about Nancy Kerrigan’s messed-up brother.

Look, the line was peaceful and all. But why do people have to stock up on everything before a snow storm? Does anybody think they’re gonna be trapped inside for a week? Adams Morgan is surrounded by main roads that will be cleared. Some folks in line seemed to think that survival meant buying up all the frozen pizzas in the store. The woman ahead of me either was making the world’s largest fruit salad or was just insane.

The worst news of all came when I finally got home. Bob Ryan might be leaving Channel 4!