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Good morning, everyone. It’s Friday!

First things first: Let’s all wish a happy birthday to Hugh Hefner, who is turning 84!

From his bio on the Playboy Enterprises Web site: “Hefner was born in Chicago on April 9, 1926, the elder son of conservative Protestant parents, Glenn and Grace Hefner, and a direct descendant of distinguished Massachusetts Puritan patriarchs William Bradford and John Winthrop.”

A direct descendant of distinguished Massachusetts Puritan patriarchs? Who knew? Also: What the hell kind of gift do you buy for Hef?

Moving on: People are animals. People are animals. And, apparently, people are animals.

Other things: Punishment has been meted out in the case of two James Madison University students who threw snowballs at a plow and an unmarked police car during one of the big February snowstorms. The Post reports they will spend 12 months on probation and pick up litter for eight hours. Ryan William Knight and Charles Joseph Gill will also have to write letters of apology to the officers involved.

Isn’t that all what Detective Mike Baylor had to do? No?

More other things: If you’re not embarrassed to buy (or wear) jewelry from QVC, click here. If you’re wondering what Tiger Woods is up to, click here (or here). If you want to read another story about the Salahis in the Post, click here. If you were planning to see the cherry blossoms this weekend, click wherever you want, but stay home—they’re, like, over, and having so many people around is really annoying.

Did you pick up a copy of this week’s cover story in the print edition—about rape kits and massive policy fails? If not, read it over the weekend. It’s almost the weekend!

Photo of Hef by playboybunnybabes; photo of the Winthrop by cliff1066™, Creative Commons Attribution License