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So I stop typing for a few months to dote on an infant and…EVERYBODY LEAVES! I just looked at the City Paper masthead. It’s at half-mast, for crissakes! Sayonara, Loose Lips. Et tu, receptionist? Oui. And oy.

Two of our best and brightest debarked for TBD.com, a startup that introduced itself with a pledge to scrimp on the “Who? What? When? Where? Why?” The “five Ws,” their promise goes, will be delivered to readers “perhaps a couple at a time.”

Not to toot my own horn, but I’ve been leaving that and all sorts of other basic/crucial information out of my City Paper stories for more than 24 years now. Go look in our archives under my byline: It’s not all there!

But staying relevant ain’t what it was before I went out on baby sabbatical.

So let me right here and now pledge to the hundreds of folks who got in touch to ask why I wasn’t typing both my readers: Stick with Cheap Seats and Cheap Seats Daily, and we’ll work even harder to not give you more facts than our talented former colleagues won’t be giving you. No time for the what AND the when? You got it: It’ll be either/or in this space. You find the why confusing? Me, too! Heck, with management’s blessing, I’ll snap the dang “W” off every keyboard! Forget the wishy-washy “perhaps” offered by our rivals: From now on, “the who” becomes “the ho” with us! (So maybe they are page-view visionaries after all?)

Speaking of changing times: I’m going to go call Dan Snyder and ask for an interview now. Haven’t done that in years. But while wiping butts I kept hearing there’s a “new culture” at Redskins Park…